Post of text

Gatorade A.M.

Submitted by Chris Olwell

The bottle says Gatorade A.M. helps put back the fluids and energy you lose during a full night's sleep, to which I reply: "It's about time." Finally, someone has engineered an athletic drink for people like me, Athletes of Sleep—people for whom it is less physically taxing to be awake than asleep.
I had to try it. So recently, after a thoroughly exhausting night of sleeping, I woke up with orange-strawberry. I quickly regained all the energy I lost by sleeping so hard.
Sleeping like I do drains fluids from the human body at an astonishing rate. But after drinking 20 ounces of Gatorade A.M., I had fluids to spare. I peed three times in three hours! Four times in four hours! I, and the scientists of the world, remain confounded by the fact that any one of those pees would've filled two 20-ounce Gatorade bottles. Easily.
Plus, Gatorade A.M. also works in the afternoon and early evening if that's when you wake up. A-fucking-mazing.

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Hey, Look
by Simon Rich
What I imagined the people around me were saying when I was . . .

Eleven:
“Oh, man, I can’t believe that kid Simon missed that ground ball! How pathetic!”
“Wait. He’s staring at his baseball glove with a confused expression on his face. Maybe there’s something wrong with his glove and that’s why he messed up.”
“Yeah, that’s probably what happened.”
————
Twelve:

“Did that kid sitting behind us on the bus just get an erection?”
“I don’t know. For a while, I thought that was the case, but now that he’s holding a book on his lap it’s impossible to tell.”
“I guess we’ll never know what the situation was.”
————
Thirteen:
“Hey, look, that thirteen-year-old is walking around with his mom!”
“Where?”
“There—in front of the supermarket!”
“Oh, my God! That kid is way too old to be hanging out with his mom. Even though I’ve never met him, I can tell he’s a complete loser.”
“Wait a minute. He’s scowling at her and rolling his eyes.”
“Oh, yeah . . . and I think I just heard him curse at her, for no reason.”
“I guess he’s cool after all.”
————
Fourteen:
“Why does that kid have a black ‘X’ on the back of his right hand?”
“I bet it’s because he went to some kind of cool rock concert last night.”
“Wow. He must’ve stayed out pretty late if he didn’t have time to scrub it off.”
“Yeah, and that’s probably why his hair is so messy and dirty—because he cares more about rocking out than conforming to society.”
“Even though he isn’t popular in the traditional sense, I respect him from afar.”
————
Fifteen:
“Hey, look, that kid is reading ‘Howl,’ by Allen Ginsberg.”
“Wow. He must be some kind of rebel genius.”
“I’m impressed by the fact that he isn’t trying to call attention to himself.”
“Yeah, he’s just sitting silently in the corner, flipping the pages and nodding, with total comprehension.”
“It’s amazing. He’s so absorbed in his book that he isn’t even aware that a party is going on around him, with dancing and fun.”
“Why aren’t any girls going over and talking to him?”
“I guess they’re probably a little intimidated by his brilliance.”
“Well, who wouldn’t be?”
“I’m sure the girls will talk to him soon.”
“It’s only a matter of time.”
————
Sixteen:
“Hey, look, it’s that kid Simon, who wrote that scathing poem for the literary magazine.”
“You mean the one about how people are phonies? Wow—I loved that poem!”
“Me, too. Reading it made me realize for the first time that everyone is a phony, including me.”
“The only person at this school who isn’t a phony is Simon.”
“Yeah. He sees right through us.” ?