And Dori said we couldn't get it done...

WEEKEND UPDATE

PROPS: Desk, pencils?

CHARACTERS: Person 1 (Nicole), Anthimos

PERSON 1: Hey everyone! Welcome to weekend update! I’m Jane Curtin…
Anthimos: …And I’m Dan Aykroyd!

PERSON 1: The Disney Corporation would like to report the opening of its new theme park in Orlando, Florida.
Anthimos: It’s a theme park where grown men can act like kids! Let’s hope this will lead to further adult men and child relationships!

PERSON 1: A new STD, AIDS, has been discovered in Los Angeles in a homosexual male who has recently returned from Africa – it’s theorized that the infection was spread from monkeys native to Africa.
Anthimos: But, there’s nothing to worry about…whatever happens in Africa stays in Africa.

PERSON 1: A new exercise trend is sweeping the nation that involves dancing to new Disco music in place while gyrating your arms in an erratic fashion.
Anthimos: Now you don’t have to be on coke to enjoy disco!

PERSON 1: The new personal computer has become common place now…Fueled by technical innovations coming out of Silicon Valley, the computer gives a graphical representation of information.
Anthimos: Now nerds have yet another reason to stay home on the weekends.

PERSON 1: A new trend in clothing has emerged from the urban disco club scene. These outfits often include plastic mini-skirts, bell-bottoms, and ridiculously-colored sequins.
Anthimos: Fortunately for the wearer, the sequins are so blinding that they don’t have to go through the embarrassment of being seen by the public.

PERSON 1: A disturbing trend arising from middle-class America has left many homes with just a single parent, giving them the responsibility of raising a child by themselves.
Anthimos: In other news, the adult entertainment industry and the Phillip Morris Corporation are reporting unprecedented profits. Thanks dead-beat dads.

PERSON 1: This has been Weekend Update, with Jane Curtin…
Anthimos: …And Dan Aykroyd.